For a few years leading up to me making the move to South Korea, I talked a lot about wanting to move here. The question pretty much everyone asked was, "Why Korea?" I think I gave a different answer to each person that asked, trying to think of a reason that would make sense to people who didn't really know me well, or a reason that made me sound like less of a fangirl. But if I had to give my answer directly, my answer would have been: because of Jonghyun.
In the last month of 2009, I watched a kpop music video on YouTube. I probably never would have guessed at the time that that music video would have such an impact on my life. Over the past 8 years I've spent countless hours watching SHINee's performances, concerts, and appearances on variety shows. I've always been proud to be a SHINee fan. I've always been proud of Jonghyun.
He accomplished so much. 4 solo albums, with 1 more to be released posthumeously. 4 sold-out solo concert series. 1 published book, and he'd been writing a second. 1,155 days as the DJ of Blue Night Radio. 5 Korean albums, 5 Japanese albums, and 10 concert series as SHINee. More than that, he was a truly admirable person. He basically dedicated himself to comforting and giving strength to other people who are having a hard time. He was the first to say or do something ridiculous to make people laugh, and he was also the first to start crying onstage at the end of a concert, looking out at the fans with so much love in his eyes.
I'll always be grateful that I was able to see him in person 10 times. I'll always be grateful for the time I was able to spend with him, and the places I traveled to and friends I've made because of him.
In the days after his death, I got messages from people saying, "You were the first person I thought of when I heard the news." As difficult as it was to read these messages, it made me feel that I did everything I could, as a fan. That I loved and supported him as much as I could, that everyone in my life knew how important he is to me. And he is still important to me. SHINee have given me so much, and I think I'll be carrying those memories with me for a long time.
what kind of meaning does a "space" hold? my top, down, each side and up to the ground on which i lay my feet. all the things that are surrounding me form a "space".
the physical spaces that these things created. my room when lying alone, inside the car going back home at the end of the day, a large classroom, academy, company, a certain distance, a certain city, a certain country, a certain planet.
a physical space is quite honest. always feeling the eyes and ears, all over the body since they get conveyed straight through the space's changing sensations.
what's the biggest part of space. carefully, also calmly thinking of it in this space that i became aware of through all my sense. it's the psychological factor that has the greatest impact.
having a similar day, always lying on top of the same bed in the same room, smelling the same scent. at times, regrets and tears of sadness; at times, happiness and lingering feelings of joy filled my space.
in one foreign country's hotel, at that city's unfamiliar night view my memories surged and emerged. even though i was lying alone i absolutely didn't feel cold nor lonely. the rough blanket turned soft like my mother's touch. i still remember that place, that time. i recall everything that filled that time, that space.
the physical space couldn't hold sway over me but the psychological space controlled my everything.
when i first started doing radio i wanted to make that kind of space: a psychological space where we can be together wherever you are physically. that place, i had wished that it would be one where someone, also me, can comfortable rest in anytime. when me, also anyone would be having a hard time and feeling like they would fall down or when they do fall down..., i wanted to make a space where we can warmly soothe each other's backs.
three years in blue night.
this space became a tremendous world to me. the ones who found this place let me know about the many things i haven't been through and, i too, unreservedly disclosed the things i know of and experienced to them.
a space is quite odd. from now onward, starting from the time it turns into 12pm, our night, thickening more bluely 'til 2am. together with someone else in this space, sharing each other's stories all the while building up our space.
in the future i wish for this: mine and your space, our space, blue night, to remain as a space where anyone can comfortable rest in. the memories we made together coming to life by reminiscences embracing you. to everyone who made our space together (with me) ... thank you.
- jonghyun. blue night radio commemorative album. 2017. translated by fantaemsie.
as time goes on, memories of things that have disappeared or the pain of loss can grow pale and faint.
those things happen if we just lend ourselves to time, but if we don't compromise with time and commit ourselves to remembering those people,
i think the things that disappeared may never have disappeared after all.
soon, the weather will get hotter, leaves will change colors, and snow will fall...
within these times, even just once, i hope we won't forget the fact that those people were by our side.
and i hope that from now on those who were left behind will hurt less, and remember more.
that's the way i hope they'll live.
- jonghyun. blue night radio. 16 April 2016.